Mighty Ducks XII, directed by Ang Lee

1. How the average Canadian loses his virginity.

2. If Genghis Khan had invaded Canada.

3. "Jeez guys, all I said was, 'I kinda like Sarah Palin.' I hate playing the MSM team."

4. "Right hand... blue."

5. "Damb... somebody done gone and spiked the Gatorade with X again."

Romantic Goat Dinner

Brender

1. To ease the lonely nights, Habib liked to imagine he was Tiger Woods, and his goats were high-class skanks.

2. Abdul had been very careful, but he supposed the accidental meeting of his two lovers had somehow been inevitable from the beginning.

3. Wow! Usually, middle eastern restaurants don't even have salad bars.

4. "Bad news. In order to keep Nancy Pelosi in power, all of you will have to sacrificed on the Altar of the Black Pentagram."

5. 'Ow to speak Palestinian: Menage a trois.

Spot the Turkey

Brender
1. "No, genius-who-believes-his-own-ridiculous-hype, you just pardoned the turkey, you didn't 'ressurect' him."

2. The turkey wears the "WTF is wrong with this idiot?" expression common to those meeting Obama in person for the first time.

3. They didn't know how the hypnotism worked, but five minutes later, the turkey was screaming "Yes we can!"

4. "I hereby pardon this turkey. It's not halal anyway."

5. "Forget the turkey, which one of you guys knocked up the ten year old girl in the background?"

Best of Niall
After the confusion following bowing to the Chinese, President Obama was confused and with a click of his heels shouts "Hail turkey!"

Best of Jack Reacher
The staff laughed good-naturedly when Obama commanded "Sit! Stay! Good boy," until they realized he wasn't kidding.

Best of Army of Dad
Saved or created 600,000 turkeys in less than one year.

Best of Rodney Dill
Must...resist...urge...to...bow...

Best of paul
This is not Bo. You don't say "sit."

Best of mega
"No, no need to get up, just relax and enjoy the party." Nobody knew how the turkey got into the State Dinner, but he seemed to belong there, and was allowed to roam the halls of the White House unmolested.

Best of blue
In the spirit of Bill Clinton, I name this gobbler - Monica


Best of Submariner
OK: I'll, um, take the first question from the, um, first row; Helen Thomas?

Best of dadoctah
"Where da white meat at?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Demonstrating the voodoo powers learned in his homeland, Obama turns Joe Biden into a Turkey.

Best of mega
Oddly enough, bringing "soul" and the passionate Southern Hemisphere vibe to the White House turned out to mean standing around with old white guys, in front of a big American flag, pardoning a turkey.

Best of Rm 207
On greeting Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi on her first visit to the White House, Mr. Obama was tactless enough to tell her that she should get her neck wattles fixed before her tax on plastic surgery passed.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Go and sin no more."

From the 'Women Who May Have Just Farted' Collection

And then the Danish Troll's Head Exploded

This is suitable for desktop wallpaper... if you work for David Letterman.

Amazon Woman with Big Pointy Spear

1. As his cameo in Amazon Invasion of the Suburbs clearly indicates, Matt LeBlanc will take whatever work he can get these days.

2. Each successive explanation of how Tiger Woods got his injuries strains credulity even further.

3. A young Robert Reich is humiliated at the javelin throw by a petite underclass female.

4. One comment about arm-flab later: Instant dub-kebobs.

5. k.d. lang just wanted her ultra-long vibrator back.

Wicked Best of Rodney Dill
"Ok, so you got my spear... wanna be pleasured with my magic helmet?"

Wicked Best of Adriane
A large, sexy, and confident women ... a really long, pointy, spear ... a simple snapshot that brought all of Andrew Sullivan's loves and hates into focus ...

Best of Matt the K
Marlee Matlin really needs to lay off the steroids.

Best of dadoctah
The Christmas card Nicole Kidman sends to Katie Holmes every year, inscribed with the simple message "just give it some thought".

Best of jeff
Southern California Pool Cleaner gangs (Amazons vs Guidos) argue over turf.

Best of metalgarth
OFR: Can't I just have death by snu-snu instead?

(Obligatory Futurama Reference)

Best of Kaptain Krude
dub's recurring nightmare of lingerie models chasing him for his comments regarding their physical fitness finally takes physical form.

Best of Submariner
I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I kinda don't think that the Burbank City Players version of "The 300" is historically accurate...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Two examples of male avatars on second life dot com?

Best of Army of Dad
Full House has a very special episode dealing with Michelle's out of control HGH use and Jesse's brave intervention.

Best of racerboy
A doomed Hal Sparks tries to hold back the long-lost love child of Grace Jones and Brigitte Neilsen at the door to William Shatner's Beverly Hills compound.

Don't you hate it when this guy sits next to EVERYBODY on the plane

Julie the Jarhead

1. Stung by criticism for his use of private jets, Al Gore flies coach to Copenhagen.

2. "Let's say these coach class seats represent tax revenue and this fat guy represents Federal spending during the Bush years. Now, put that guy in every seat in coach, and you realize how much worse Obama's spending is."

3. "Look, dude, it's bad enough you're ginormous. Do you have to pleasure yourself on the arm rest?"

4. Eyewitnesses on the ground would report that the aircraft was pitched up with its engines straining prior to the crash.

5. "But how can Han Solo pay you back if he's encased in carbonite?"

Wicked Best of prince of leaves
"And because we are in an overbooked condition, we are offering a free barbecued rack of ribs to the first volunteer..."

Best of Matt the K
Hiring Bubba McGee as an under cover Air Marshall just wasn't working out.

Best of GregMan
"I am sick and tired of these m*****-f****** fat people on this m*****-f****** plane!"

Best of prince of leaves
After an hour delayed on the tarmac, Phil had already eaten his way through all three snack carts and was starting to eye the chihuaha in 23C's pet carrier.

Best of blue
I thought Lowell George was dead?

Best of Submariner
You're now free to move about the cabin; but only in your thoughts.

Best of Unscrupulous
Let's Roll... this fat Mofo off the plane. Geeeeez!

Best of mega
Hey, has anyone seen the three flight attendants working the area where Michael Moore is sitting?

Best of mega
Passenger 57,000

Ang Lee, What Have You Done This Time?

Shayne
1. When asked why she picked this costume for her BF, Latrina replied, "Because he's faster than a speeding bullet, that's for damn sure."

2. In 1982, a young Adam Sandler and a flaming Lionel Richie crossed paths in a Secaucus Mall.

3. Who would have thought this happy young man would go on to be First Lady of the United States.

4. "Is this the right place for the 'slimy perv' meetup?"

5. He can foil everything but a Kryptonite bike lock.

Out-freakin-standing Best of Army of Dad
"Kryp-to-nite!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
After being exposed to Black Kryptonite, Superman goes out lookin' for da' white wimmin.

Best of Al Bundy
ORA: "Pumpkin, you can be 100% sure that the 'S' doesn't stand for 'Straight' in this case"

Best of metalgarth
If you think the correct caption for this picture is "Na na na na na na na na, na na na na, na na na na, BUTT MAN" ... you at least deserve partial credit

Best of Vinney
Young Al Sharpton shows up at the Job Fair dressed for success.

Best of Dactyl
How nature says "please kick my ass."

Best of dadoctah
"Damn, Clark, you look *completely* different without glasses!"

Best of mega
Steele's follow-up to the highly-successful "What Up" campaign was designed to bring even more young, hip people into the GOP.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I really wanted to be a.... Lumberjack."

Best of Adriane
Shaftman always shook off criticisms of his Superman ripoffs by reminding himself, 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, horny women dig me!'

Best of Matt the K
You're right. Phylicia Rashad does look much better when she's wearing her makeup.

More Love From My Stalker-Troll

I really wonder how you reconcile your Mormonism with your unabashed and repressed horniness. Wonder if old Joe Smith would approve of the slimy perv you've become.

How can horniness be unabashed and repressed at the same time?

A Nice Bare Chested Blond

1. "Army of Mom, are you trying to seduce me?"

2. Army of Mom inspects the new Aryan Male Model Manbot.

3. "The measuring tape isn't for your sleeves. You must be new at this."

4. CNN can't be doing too bad if Anderson Cooper can afford new interns.

5. "Well, you could fist Andrew Sullivan with that, but I've seen him take gorillas. Honest-to-God lowland gorillas."

OMG, No Way!

Sondra K

1. Unfortunately, he had no choice. The Teleprompter said, "Raise your glass with the napkin still attached like some frickin' retard."

2. "What the hell is wrong with this idiot?" Prime Minister Singh wondered silently.

3. It's actually worse than it looks, the adhesive holding the napkin to the glass is one of Dear Leader's boogers.

4. And as soon as he returned from the bathroom, the president raised a toast.

5. "And I'd like to raise a toast to the draperies section at KMart, in honor of M'Chel's dress."

Best of jeff
L'chaim!

Best of Passionate Conservative
I'll have to raise my glass in a, uh, um, toast....hey, just what the f*ck is that thing on your head? I've always wanted to know...

Best of Vinney
"I'm a Dominic the Great. No applause please. Save it for the end."

Best of Unscrupulous
In honor of my new Vegan friends, I am announcing, effective immediately, the shipment of 10,000 sides of beef to help feed the poor in the great and honorable country of Vega.

What? Too little?

Best of GregMan
Barry wins "Phone Rep Of The Year", presented by the Vice-President in charge of Dell Technical Support.

Best of GregMan
Suddenly it became all the rage in Hollywood, universities, and main stream media offices across the land to attach little pieces of toilet paper to the glasse when having a drink.

Best of Submariner
"...for the brothers that are no longer with us..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"I salute you, sir! Your 7-11 has the very best Slurpees in the world!"

Best of Matt the K
"See, look, my glass has a turban too, just li-- ah damn, came unwrapped."

Granny and Jethro

Brender
1. "There's nothing to be afraid of, grandma. It's just a bus with a suspiciously high clearance."

2. ORA: The little Bushman couldn't figure out how the hell this idiot had been elected. The Gods Must Indeed Be Crazy.

3. "For the last time you friggin' moron, I am NOT Aretha Franklin."

4. "Never mind Matt Lauer, Grandma. He just loves to smell my shoulders."

5. "It's just lucky I always wear 'Oops I crapped my pants' brand adult diapers." "Shut up, Barry. Nobody cares."

Best of metalgarth
Will you make me a waffle that I can eat in peace, Aunt J.?

Best of eat me
Boy, don't that wife of yours know how to iron shirts?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thanks to the tireless efforts of the revamped FEMA, Flip Wilson was discovered alive and well and living in a Louisiana mangrove swamp under the nom de plume, Auntie Geraldine.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Nah, don't worry about it, it's perfect. Just the thing to wear the conferment of a posthumous Medal of Honor. I'd have worn my aloha shirt, but it's in the laundry."

Best of jeff
"You never call, you never write, you never deposit millions into my bank account...."
"Shut up, Grandma."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"And as I stop here dramatic pause to celebrate this woman's look directly into the cameras rich tapestry of life experiences, I am struck by continue walking the overwhelming watch for dog shit on ground efforts of our fellow citizens fake sympathetic smile."

Best of Matt the K
The Autobiography of Miss Jane Bushman

Best of mega
Even Sheila Jackson Lee couldn't muster a smile at the post-West Point unity photo op.

Retro Saturday

1. "I warn you, this obsession with Bob Crane can only end in tears."

2. "Come on, Courtney Love. Loosen up a little. Try some weed. What's the worst that could happen?"

3. "Love your new LPGA haircut Denise!"

4. "Harok-Ptui!"

5. "A human pituitary gland... for me?"

Best of dub
Look a deal is a deal... $1.75 for a handjob.

Best of dadoctah
"We welcome any contribution, no matter how small, to our research. Some day, god willing, we'll be able to thaw your late husband's frozen head and cure whatever it was that killed him."

Best of blue
And if I put these aspirin in her coke she will lose her inhibitions.....

Best of mega
Now, Ann, you should marry a white man such as this, not that Kenyan. Otherwise, your children will face a lifetime of prejudice, hardship, and berzerk crowds of hippies chanting "Yes we can!".

Best of Jay Guevara
The inventor of roofies conducts his first clinical trial.

Best of Mr. Hankey
A young Nancy Pelosi learns that she doesn't have to understand where the money comes from, only that she can take it away from Billy.